You are still young and there is a lot of time left. There really is no reason to rush this life. Good things will come to you. Of course, there will be bad times but that helps you grow and learn and helps you appreciate the good times. It sounds cliche but it’s true. Gratitude is a funny thing that can quickly shift your perspective.
You are doing your best even if you don’t think you are. All that matters is that you put in effort. Effort to live. Please keep living. Waking up every morning and going through the motions isn’t living. It’s putting your wagon on the same beaten path that has been laid before you that you’ve complicitly followed and allowed to swallow you. Wake up and steer your wagon somewhere unexpected even if it is just a small thing like going shopping by yourself and forgetting the rest of the world. I know you have trouble doing things by yourself but it can be healing to be there for yourself instead of others.
Speaking of others, people are going to come and go out of your life. It doesn’t get easier; you just learn to accept it quicker. Your family will always be there for you and will continue to love you no matter where you are. It may get a little lonely at times but as long as you are able to sit with yourself, you’ll be just fine. That said, don’t stay by yourself for too long. Finding that balance of being able to sit by yourself and being able to reach out is a skill that I know you’re still working on.
Friends have always been something you’ve struggled with. Not that you aren’t a welcoming person, you are and people see that. It’s not the same as being friends with people. The word “friend” has always had a loose meaning out loud to you. You used it to describe people you barely hung out with or when you don’t want to use their name. Mostly because “acquaintance” felt too formal and “peer” felt like you were reading a social experiment. In your mind, you’ve always wondered what exactly makes a person a friend.
Back to the people leaving… You thought that friends wouldn’t leave or fade away that easily. Probably because you saw your parents still talking with their navy buddies after years have passed, or if they haven’t talked or seen them in person for a while, they pick up right where they left off. You wonder if you’ll have that. It helps when you realize that any type of relationship takes work but both parties have to want to put work in. Be patient. It takes time to find the ones that want to put effort in. I know you are willing to put work in, but sometimes try to take that effort and put it in yourself and work on that relationship. Although, what exactly makes a person a real friend? I’ll let you know when I figure that out.
Your parents, kind of a hard subject, but let’s talk about it. I know how proud you are of them. You’re young but you’ve seen them at a lot of different stages in their lives. A lot of highs and lows. They are constantly role models for you. In school when you had to write about someone you look up to or your hero, you would always put your mom down. Some people would try to convince you to write about a famous person, but in your eyes, no one could measure up. Everything they both had overcome just to give you a childhood they never had. I know how grateful you are for them. I know how hard you work to make them proud of you, but they’ll always be proud of you. They love you greatly too.
What you’re doing now is great and it is an accomplishment even if you don’t believe it sometimes. Lighten up a little on yourself. A mistake is only a mistake if you don’t learn from it. Right now, you think you aren’t going to use your degree and that’s okay. It doesn’t make your decision to go to school wrong or a waste. You discovered what you actually want to do because of your decision. You learned something. You’ve always wanted to help people, but you weren’t exactly sure how you would go about that. Well now you have a direction available all because you attended university. Help those students. You know it’ll be tough but if it makes their lives better, it’ll be worth it. If it doesn’t work out, well then you always have your education to lean on. Just, please, stop beating yourself up for not using your degree right after college. It doesn’t make you any less or make the accomplishment of attending a university any less. School is so draining not because the material is difficult or not fun–you actually enjoy some of your classes; it’s draining because it’s just tedious and you don’t see the point of a lot of it. But you keep going at it and that’s all we can ask for.
Life is going to be hard but it’ll be worth it. I hope you’re able to see it. Learn to find what makes you happy. Explore your interests. Don’t devote yourself too much to school. They won’t be able to fulfill your need for knowledge; only you can do that. Create. Pick up different hobbies that allow you to create. You know how much you love to use your hands and produce something. Don’t forget that. It’s a part of you. Take more walks in nature. Or find places you can just sit and breathe outside. You actually do love to do that even though it seemed like you didn’t for a while. Learn to cry and not feel shame. Use your real laugh, no matter how loud or weird you think it is. Learn to take a compliment. Try that random outfit out. You might find a new style you like. Speak your mind a bit more when you feel necessary. Stand for what you believe in. Figure out what you believe in. Learn to love yourself. Love freely and wildly. Continue to grow. Read things that pique your interest, even the slightest. Dive into a genre after hearing one song from it. Blast your music down the road or just at the house. Dance around when you feel like dancing. Sing when you feel like singing. No more shame. Live my dear. Find the little things worth living for. No more floating through time and space. No more worrying or dreading yesterday and tomorrow. Live my dear.
Cheering you on,